it simply won’t die
this feeling inside
for u
i pray for the strength
to let u go
but u’ve still got a hold
on my innermost “something”
that I can’t shut down
i lie
& say ure in the past
i lie
& say i’m happy @ last
but i’m haunted
i am possessed
i am distraught
i confess
my sins to the world
the pains of a girl
who loves her sorrow
who can’t move on
who fears tomorrow
she will be a distant memory
or have u already forgotten me
disabled by frigidity
this violent lucidity
has overtaken me
shaken me
torn @ me
it eats @ me
what else is there to do
but remain in the past
with u
if i dare u to
will u join me
purloin my memories
until i am left with a vacancy
a gaping hole big enuff
for me to hide
& never be heard from again
i wish i could touch u
i wish u wanted me to
but i am dead to u
a mistake to u
a defect u conquered
& managed to escape
from
if only u could hide
then maybe
the anguish would subside
but ure entity
is locked on me
it breathes in me
honed in on me
but it had to be
to survive
a thing
as deep as me
my caramel flavored thoughts
the darkest chocolate u ever bought
& stashed away
for another day
too strong to handle
the bittersweetness of the truth of us
wrapped up
in the silver lining
of my wishing cloud

listen thru the static
in ure head
clear those thoughts
that lock
me out
come out
from inside ure lead house
put ure mind down
for a minute
&
listen
hold ure breath
&
listen
the mindless drone
the numbing buzz
u call it focus
i call it fear
so
driven
to look beyond the horizon
that u neglect the very sun
that creates it for u
keep moving
maybe it won’t catch u
keep busy
maybe it won’t spot u
that dirty
four lettered word
that keeps ure torch lit for her
do ure eyes
still see her smile
do ure hands
remember her skin
it was a sin
she was so perfect for u
& now solitude has u
all to itself
do u mourn her
or wish her
maybe ure heart’s
too scared to tell
maybe ure mind’s
too full to decide
it’s never a waste
it’s never too late
love
will
find
u
don’t u see
i will sail the seas
of “maybe’s”
& weather the storms
of “should’ves”
to find her
for u
extinguish my lite
relinquish my fight
to find her
for u
i will sit on my hands
for u
spit idle chatter
at u
warm her seat
next to u
swallow my desires
for u
be a substitute
for u
until she returns
for u
then i will rise
for u
& disappear

for

me

i
can’t
catch
my
breath
ure fingertips map my body
& trail their heat behind them
like comets burn
across the sky
i cry
not to be let go
alone
in the darkened sky
&
u hear me
&
shine on me
&
allow me to glow
the way i know
is best for me
please
enter me
gently
this ragged vessle
curls
tenderly
under ure command
my teacher
my tutor
my hands
can’t bear another touch
they
kindle
w/ ure nimble words
& streak soot
across ure lips
dismiss
the daylite &
bid the raven tresses
of my mother
to fill the sky
& no longer deny me
ure eyes
how i die
without ure embrace
how i crave
to taste
the happiness u promise
but fear
makes me quick
devising clever tricks to keep u @ bay
away
from the talk of what the future
may have in store
i want more
than is possible
more than is plausible
to blame on u
if only i never wanted to
be w/ u
seeing me thru
the tears in ure eyes
i have no will
no strength
to lie
fresh out of alibies
to rescue me from this
feeling
that i have
no control
over the rapid boil
my blood
has risen to
hot w/ the knowing
that in
ure
mouth
i will burst
& cease
to be

the tears in my coffee
have soured the cream
i stir the dream
of ure embrace
clockwise
time
dies
slowly
for me
perverting these
impossibilities
into hopeless longings
standing alone
i am left to atone
for my transgressions
trying to swallow
my obsessions for u
in every gulp of
air
i
dared to
tried to
hide u
away from the pain
i remain
sworn to
the need to
hold u againt
his rancid sweetness
curdles in my mouth
along w/ the shape of ure name
how to tame
the demons w/ in me
they say u used me
they say u duped me
into believing
i meant something more
& all the while
this hazelnut smile
& semi sweet mocha chai
boils in my mouth
like a lie
stinging my tongue
my ears have rung
w/ ure frothy exhalations
ure palpitations
pressed
against
my rib bones
no chocolate scones
to absolve me now
the sickly sweet
revolts me now
& how
this starbucks
love struck
wonder guy
puckered up & said goodbye
before
the water
even
boiled
the puddle on the floor
used to have a name
he’ll never utter again
how did i offend him
by trying to blend into
his horizon
i hold myself
up to myself
scrutinizing
memorizing
the lines in my smile
he’ll never
really
see

undulations
uncontrollable
gripping into the seat of this
roller coaster
i bolster my face against ure chest
to rest from asphyxiation
amazing
what..
amazing
was it u that I channeled into that
multi colored wish
rock
paper
scissors
heart
on a dish
steaming
teeming
beaming
idolatry
into my very lap
i am queasy in ure
gentle radiance
how can i eat this
how can i indulge in this
cuisine that bleeds
ure very being
mmmm..
i have
never
felt
so
satisfied

i aim to please
just tell me who to be
down on my knees
i can mold myself
into everything
u want
speak to me gently
& watch me melt
right thru u
soak
ure
soul
thru
with whoever u want
to see before u
bend me
fashion me
wear me
thinner
slimmer
quieter
tell me how
to shroud myself
into her
likeness
ure heart will never listen
to the curve of my hips
ure pulse will never soar
to the curl of my lips
even though
i twinkle
brighter
harder
hotter
farther
than any star
u've ever know
i've overgrown
this flower bed
& dread
the beaten path before me
afraid
if i blink
u'll be gone
so
i saunter
seduce
entrap
reduce myself
perhaps
to bear no fruit from ure tree
but
oh
to lie beneath ure shade
@ the stroke of midnite
when the magick fades
where I can
slowly

slip

into

myself

again

can u smell my heartache?
does it read like cancer?
is my aura dimmed
lacking
smacking of contempt
& regrets & things to remember
threading my faults
like pearls on a string
bring me back toward the lite
the happy
the carefree
when ure mess didn’t bother me
when it didn’t swallow me
when i didn’t wallow
in his misery
surrounding me
hounding me like
a killer on the run
the last song’s been sung
too many times
already
steady ure knees
ure finally free
the thing u’ve wanted most of all
SAVE ME THE REQUIEM
the dramatic ‘last call’
we’ve stalled this enuff
the going’s been rough
& it’s only getting tougher
u’ve suffered enuff
no more
complications
expectations
variations of the rules
raising the bar
that’s risen as far as it’s willing to go
LET GO
just go
off into ure tomorrow
ure mossy better place
be free
of me
& my lunacy
u see?
it’s already better
the air is sweeter
the sleep is deeper
or is it just me?
don’t tangle me
in fantasies
& intricate weaves
of possibilities
ure impotent earth leaves
no room for flowers
the hours have been lost
& the cost
was
me
REST
EASY
NOW

if this was meant to be
then it was meant to be

over

i burned ure card
to keep me warm
the rising smoke
snaked
all around me
lingering
ghosts of an emotion
u signed it
-L.
-O.
-V.
-E.
i guess i took it
personally
i jumped thru imaginary hoops
i walked thru burning waters
i bled thru empty palms
envisioned stigmata
for the sake of making u
feel
anything
tied u up
in my own despair &
surged
viciously
thru ure veins
they used to call me dangerous
every maladjusted guy’s
dream girl
every normal man’s
mistake
they used to call me
dangerous
now
they don’t call me @all
sitting high
above the wreckage
in my crown of thorns
willing u to call me
thru my thoughts
rehearsing
all of my apologies
for being what i thought
u wanted me to be
i
misunderstood
misheard
misspoke
misplaced
my
match book
again

my heart is heavy
w/ thoughts of
us
our gentle rapport
is no longer
contented
i am
lamented & frayed
betrayed
by my own affections
afflictions i xpected to be lifted from
i want
release from the anxieties
freedom from the atrocities
i created
Where is my clemency
even now i feign comfort @ ure words
slurred & marred
my vision is scarred from crying to
NO ONE
i knew u wouldn’t come
i knew u couldn’t sum up
my angst would equal this
suffering
hovering above myself
in velvet blackness
i
loathe
being
loved
clawing at ure tattoo
tearing away this taboo stained smile from my lips
my hips are left sore & bruised
from want of u
WOE
IS
ME
i can not flee from me
& my pathetic torrents
of shame
i blame
myself
& my poetry
my heart
& my frailty
to think my head could rest easily
upon ure
chest
i am vexed w/ being merely a reed
bending to please
aiming to ease
what ails u
i go thru the motions
give u the notion that i am
impenetrable
unfathomable
that
i
could be
so weak
so silent
so meek
so violently awkward in my skin
strangled beneath the covers
reeking of bygone lovers
i lie awake
fighting between
fact & fiction
& the friction is stinging me
my mind is killing me
just
let me
bleed alone
keep ure psyche away from me
ure programmed touches
are leaving me
raw

close enuff
to smell
ure indifference
my
sweetest
obsession
i ignite
@ the sound of ure voice
i am torched
weakened
bent
destroyed
left
barren
by ure coolness
or
cowardice
my fascination
draws contemplation
of what
exactly
makes u tick
& why my clock
must tock
like ures
w/ the scores of guys out there
i sit here &
wonder
u
drink u
dance u
dream u
wish u
would fall under the spell
of the moon
& tune into ureself
& drop ure skin
on the way into my arms
but
ure fangs are poised
ure venom armed
to strike me in the heart
if I
ever
speak truth
again
so
i
lick my wounds
bandage my scars
murmur my dreams
to familiar stars
& allow my mind
to wander the skies
while my heavy heart
quietly
sighs
under the needle
where i lie
stretched
branding ure image
onto
my flesh